More than a man

Y'all,  I married a wonderful man. Sometimes I look at him and I get overwhelmed by how perfectly The Lord made us for each other. He loves me the way I need to be loved and he sees all my flaws and weaknesses and calls me beautiful anyways. Plus he's gorgeous. I'm not kidding. He looks like a Ken doll! I've never had anyone as good as him. 

Relationships have always been tough for me though. I used them to try to fill voids. I hid my insecurity in them until they became infected with it and like a stinky wound, it only festered until it completely ruined them from the inside out. I've spent countless nights in tears because I just wanted someone to tell me I was good enough or give me enough attention or call me beautiful enough times until I believed it. But it never happened because that's unrealistic. My mom used to tell me, "if you don't love you, how do you expect anyone else to?" I used to think she was nuts because in my mind, if someone else saw me as good or worthy, then maybe I was! 

The other day I read some lyrics to a song that were all too familiar. They were to a song called "wrecking ball" by Miley Cyrus. And sadly I remembered a time in my life where I could relate. "Loving" the pain, feeling completely stripped, the empty-ness and broken heart of a destructive love. If I'm being honest, all of my relationships in the past could be described this way. Maybe you can relate. Actually I'm almost positive you can because even a celebrity can!  

For many years I thought I had things figured out though, I thought I would meet the man who did all the cute things you see on romantic comedies and say the right things like the ones Edward does in Twilight. And I thought that surely this perfect of a man could never hurt me and I wouldn't have to worry about ever feeling this way again.

Well then I met my husband. And y'all he's great. but he isn't perfect. He messes up too. We all do. I mean expecting him to be all perfect all around with no flaws was a crazy high standard that I wouldn't want him holding me to. Right? I mean lets be honest people, I'm messy, horrible at punctuality, and have a gift for procrastination. And that's just to name a few. So about a year before my wedding, I found myself at a crossroads, realizing that I didn't know what to do. Because what I wanted more than anything was a man that loved me exactly how I needed to be loved, I wanted a man that would never fail me, and most of all I wanted someone who would never ever ever hurt me. So I did what anyone would do and sought the advice of someone more wise than me. I guess what I expected my pastor to do was to give me a recipe for how to train or hypnotize my future husband into my perfect little barbie and then my worries would be over! I'm not kidding y'all! I was ready to write down the scripture verses I could post around the house as rules to make him fit into my mold. WRONG.

The only person who could fit everything I wanted and truly guarantee that I would never be hurt again was Jesus. I know what you're thinking, "boring! so typical of you!" because honestly I thought the same thing. I was like "yeah yeah, pastor. Take the easy way, tell me I don't believe in Jesus enough." But then I realized I had nothing else. I was on a road toward a marriage with a man I loved more than anyone but also a man that could never ever promise me that he would be perfect, and I couldn't promise him perfection either. So guess what, after a few days of thinking, I gave it a shot. I asked the Lord to be what I needed. I decided to just say "Hey Jesus, I've never had much luck with this whole Love thing. Could you please show me how it's supposed to be? Because I don't want to say vows to a man and expect things from him I would never be able to give myself, and also, I am just honestly too tired and too damaged to take a gamble again on someone who might fail me."

And guess what happened guys? He did. He came in, swept me off my feet and continues to show me a love more deep and more wide, and more furious than anything I could have ever imagined. Every night He paints the sky with his majesty, every spring He colors the earth with flowers, Every morning he renews His mercies, and every moment, He is with me. I have found myself enthralled and my heart completely ravaged by a love I never knew was possible. The craziest part of all of it is that each day that my love for my savior deepens, I find that the love I have for my husband grows too. Because now I see him for what he is. Not this make-believe knight in shinning armor, but a gift and an earthly companion. He's wonderful and he's great. But all of my hopes, dreams, and aspirations lie in someone who is so much more than a man.

xo 

Victoria